7 years Departure

I had to write this down. It's a milestone of my life, an event that marks the start of a new beginning. It's not a glamorous change, or one of those huge ordeals. In fact, it has brought me back to my roots, back to my first love. July 31st, 2006. It finally happened. Never quite thought this day will ever come this way. I have always known myself. I was never a quitter. No doubt, everything in the flesh was screaming “quitter” but I recognize His voice, that peace. I have always envisioned that the only way I would be uprooted from my ministry is if God Himself moved me. Perhaps through my job which is very much at risk of a promotion to another city of some sort. For the longest time (approx. 3 years) I have questioned, “Is it time yet?”. The reply was often similar. A firm but gentle “No, not yet”. I have always wondered, what’s the “yet” for? After Katrina, again, “Is it my time?” “No, not yet”. For 3 years, I strived through the thick and thin. The bitter sweetness of serving His people. My people. My dearest ones. For 3 years, I was faced with situations that did not flow fluidly. The previous 4 years was such an awesome time of my life. Granted, it did not always flow fluidly, but day by day, I saw Him opening doors I did not imagine were there! Perhaps I was excited to be in a new environment. Perhaps the excitement of being in the different country hasn’t sunk in yet. Regardless of the underlining reasons, I can’t deny that I was right at where He wanted me to be. My passion met His opportunity. But those days changed when He removed the key leaders from my life, which was my ministry. God still remained faithful through these years. I saw the growth that came as little as there were. It definitely has been a wrestle. Starting a full time job did not help either. I have also considered my full time job. Could I possibly juggle both my full time job and my other full time job in ministry? I did it for the pass years. I surely can keep doing it.

But while I was away for both trips to Malaysia and my training trips, I was gone for a total period of 7 weeks. For those first 4 weeks in Malaysia, I learned a couple of things:
1) I’m dispensable
2) I’m replaceable
3) The best worship happens when I’m all poured out.

Yea, it does sound very negative and probably being too hard on myself. But until I was able to swallow these humbling pills, I couldn’t accept the fact that the ministry could go on without me. I was constantly fighting the thought of “what I would do if I was in charge”. Stephanie laid it out straight. She let me have it. She knew me long enough to know that I’m a perfectionist, a person who takes charge and expects nothing but the best. Sounds like good values right? Not in this context. It was hurting the people I was working with. I did not allow God to teach them and to work in them because I was in the way. Granted, I have done enough to establish a foundation but it’s time to go.

The following 3 weeks while I was away in the trip described below, I had a lot of time to think about this again. And somehow this time, it was a peaceful decision. I did not worry nor did I argue with Him. It was a simple…. “Ok Lord, here we go and I will just trust you”. I didn’t know where He was gonna lead me. I still don’t. But what I do know is I am first called to LOVE Him, and then His People. So for now, my job is to do just that.

It was difficult as I broke the news to Nick, the band, the leadership team, my life group and especially Mr. Russell. I felt like I was disappointing them because I had to let them down. But again, I knew inside what obedience meant. But it still didn’t make any sense. God knows how much I love these kids. God knows how much I loved what I was doing, my passion in seeing youth coming to know Christ and loving Him in worship. God knows how much I love playing the guitar. That very night on July 31st, 2006, I opened up Oswald Chamber’s writings. The following passage floored me to my knees again in humbled confirmation:

"He comes where He commands us to leave. If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of the teaching of Jesus Christ Himself. When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way. Watch where you begin to debate with Him and put what you call your duty into competition with His commands. If you say, "I know that He told me to go, but my duty is here," it simply means that you do not believe that Jesus means what He says.
He teaches where He instructs us not to teach. "Master . . . let us make three tabernacles . . ." ( Luke 9:33 ).
Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God’s role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert. God wants to instruct us regarding His Son, and He wants to turn our times of prayer into mounts of transfiguration. When we become certain that God is going to work in a particular way, He will never work in that way again.
He works where He sends us to wait. ". . . tarry . . . until . . ." (Luke 24:49 ). "Wait on the Lord" and He will work (Psalm 37:34 ). But don’t wait sulking spiritually and feeling sorry for yourself, just because you can’t see one inch in front of you! Are we detached enough from our own spiritual fits of emotion to "wait patiently for Him"? ( Psalm 37:7 ). Waiting is not sitting with folded hands doing nothing, but it is learning to do what we are told.
These are some of the facets of His ways that we rarely recognize."