Plans vs. Reality

Life has been a drag recently.

I've discovered that what I used to plan, way back during the teen years, may not necessary work out as I like it to be. Things that I told myself that I will do or not do, have all erupted into chaos right in my face. I still can't figure out what I'm talking about. Perhaps by blogging I can organize my thoughts and begin to process this frustration.

Just when you think all is plan and prepared for, a curve ball is thrown at you and you realized not even your contingency plan could have dealt with it. I find myself to stress out a lot about financial issues. As much as I say I don't care about money but the green creatures somehow finds it's way to the top of my anxiety list. Granted I know what I need to react when it comes to this, trusting in the God who provides and all, but I find that knowledge in the brain does not mean knowledge in the heart. That short span of approximately 14 inches between the heart and the brain has proven to be a lot farther in similarity than I want it to be. I find myself pondering how to plan strategically so that I can be comfortable in the near future. But even that ends up being frustrating when you find out that there are other "bills" that I'm almost obligated to carry on my shoulder that I was not aware of. Amidst the frustration, I begin to question: Questions about the zero return from all the generousity. Questions about envying the jones. Questions about really relying on God as my provider. Questions about all the sacrifices that I went throught in college. Are the really paying off?

No doubt, I am not questioning if I made the right or wrong decision because I know this is where God has led me and even if I did take a wrong turn, the progress till this point has not been in vain.

Somehow in the midst of this battle of confusion, there's a faint hope. Faint might sound negative but in this context, it's as if I've found the only relief. This place is the same place where God brought me back time and time again. A place where I realized the unimaginable, unthinkable, unfathomable love of God that overwhelms me.

See The Way by Misty Edwards:

With just one word from Your mouth were the heavens made
With just one breath from Your lips, the foundations were laid

With just one dream in Your thoughts, You have wanted me
With just one pulse of Your heart, You are wooing me

See the way He holds the stars in His hand
See the way He holds my heart
God is a Lover looking for a lover, so He fashioned me
God is a Lover looking for a lover, so He formed my heart

With just one pulse of Your heart
I'm in love!
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As for now, I can only rest on the knowledge that I do know and depend on the faith that loves...