It has been almost a year since I stepped away from my youth group. Tonight was the 2nd time that I have been since then. The first time was rather shocking and odd...but encouraging nonetheless.....probably because it was nice to see a handful of familiar faces, as well as knowing that Tiff was with me so it didn't matter if the odd feeling commanded my reactions. But tonight was different. Somehow all weekend long, I have felt the tug to visit them again. It wasn't necessarily an exciting feeling. I actually dreaded the excitement...I still don't understand much of my emotions at this moment. I was alone this time. As I pulled up, I saw Ms. Lisa. It was always heart-warming to see her. In my book, although her and Mr. Alvin are not titled with any names, they have been the cornerstone of that ministry. Through all the years that I was there, they have been there before I even started. Their lives are a true reflection of sacrificial love to the passion that God has placed in their hearts.
Walking in was definitely weird. The place seemed too familiar. But yet, I did not recognize my surroundings. This notion is truly translated to the fact that nobody recognized me. It felt odd to stand behind as I look around the place, watching at least a hundred young people worshipping God. It wasn't odd to catch a glimpse of the beauty and wonder of changed lives but it was odd that I was now the stranger that these kids come up to introduce themselves. Granted, it was definitely encouraging to know that there are teenagers there now that are stepping up to lead and love.
Rachel and Sam started playing. Rachel has been my successor and I can only give thanks for what God has done in her life. She came from a broken family and church was just a sissy religion to her. The night I spent time watching the school worship band practice was when I met Rachel. You could tell that the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Her inner darkness was sticking out subtlely but obvious if you cared enough to notice. Thinking back about how far she came and the fact that I had the opportunity to witness that transformation that only the Creator God can do, leads my heart to ponder upon the mark that I have left a year ago. From a dark emotionless broken person to the passionate worship leader that she is now left me speechless and broken in the presence of the One who changed her. Now it's her turn to lead ME into the inner courts.
Then there's the other worship leader, Sam. Now I don't know Sam. But from what I noticed from these past 2 visit, he has definitely helped out a lot. But there is still a strange feeling of brokenness in me as I think about the whole picture with Sam being one of the focus. My vision before I left was to always train up worship leaders that are from the youth group themselves. In other words, I believed in youth stepping up in leadership, and with humility, to lead their peers into the inner courts. The vision may be lost but one thing I ask is for God to continue to raise young worship leaders.
Seeing the amount of excited high school students in that auditorium was a bittersweet feeling. Part of me was extremely excited about the growth but a larger part of me was battling with the confusion of a series of questions: why didn't this happen while I was here? Was I not obeying and honoring God in my sacrifice? Did I truly gave my ALL to some of these kids that are apparent in change?
As I write these questions down, I realized that I have lost focus of it all. Rather than focusing on the Creator, Savior God, who is obviously moving within that group of students, I'm focused on my contribution.....the agony of that shame is slowly ripping me apart inside. Pinch me, I'm human after all.
I'm hungry now from battling through my thoughts. But one thing is for sure, as much as I'm tempted to dive right back in to what seems to be a movement of God, I know for the the moment, my place of sacrifice is in Ignite Mission, HIMnI, Andrewogeaband and Valedictorian.
Perhaps this place that I saw tonight serves as a reminder, a dream and a testimony of the faithfulness of God.
