It has been almost a year since I stepped away from my youth group. Tonight was the 2nd time that I have been since then. The first time was rather shocking and odd...but encouraging nonetheless.....probably because it was nice to see a handful of familiar faces, as well as knowing that Tiff was with me so it didn't matter if the odd feeling commanded my reactions. But tonight was different. Somehow all weekend long, I have felt the tug to visit them again. It wasn't necessarily an exciting feeling. I actually dreaded the excitement...I still don't understand much of my emotions at this moment. I was alone this time. As I pulled up, I saw Ms. Lisa. It was always heart-warming to see her. In my book, although her and Mr. Alvin are not titled with any names, they have been the cornerstone of that ministry. Through all the years that I was there, they have been there before I even started. Their lives are a true reflection of sacrificial love to the passion that God has placed in their hearts.
Walking in was definitely weird. The place seemed too familiar. But yet, I did not recognize my surroundings. This notion is truly translated to the fact that nobody recognized me. It felt odd to stand behind as I look around the place, watching at least a hundred young people worshipping God. It wasn't odd to catch a glimpse of the beauty and wonder of changed lives but it was odd that I was now the stranger that these kids come up to introduce themselves. Granted, it was definitely encouraging to know that there are teenagers there now that are stepping up to lead and love.
Rachel and Sam started playing. Rachel has been my successor and I can only give thanks for what God has done in her life. She came from a broken family and church was just a sissy religion to her. The night I spent time watching the school worship band practice was when I met Rachel. You could tell that the weight of the world was on her shoulders. Her inner darkness was sticking out subtlely but obvious if you cared enough to notice. Thinking back about how far she came and the fact that I had the opportunity to witness that transformation that only the Creator God can do, leads my heart to ponder upon the mark that I have left a year ago. From a dark emotionless broken person to the passionate worship leader that she is now left me speechless and broken in the presence of the One who changed her. Now it's her turn to lead ME into the inner courts.
Then there's the other worship leader, Sam. Now I don't know Sam. But from what I noticed from these past 2 visit, he has definitely helped out a lot. But there is still a strange feeling of brokenness in me as I think about the whole picture with Sam being one of the focus. My vision before I left was to always train up worship leaders that are from the youth group themselves. In other words, I believed in youth stepping up in leadership, and with humility, to lead their peers into the inner courts. The vision may be lost but one thing I ask is for God to continue to raise young worship leaders.
Seeing the amount of excited high school students in that auditorium was a bittersweet feeling. Part of me was extremely excited about the growth but a larger part of me was battling with the confusion of a series of questions: why didn't this happen while I was here? Was I not obeying and honoring God in my sacrifice? Did I truly gave my ALL to some of these kids that are apparent in change?
As I write these questions down, I realized that I have lost focus of it all. Rather than focusing on the Creator, Savior God, who is obviously moving within that group of students, I'm focused on my contribution.....the agony of that shame is slowly ripping me apart inside. Pinch me, I'm human after all.
I'm hungry now from battling through my thoughts. But one thing is for sure, as much as I'm tempted to dive right back in to what seems to be a movement of God, I know for the the moment, my place of sacrifice is in Ignite Mission, HIMnI, Andrewogeaband and Valedictorian.
Perhaps this place that I saw tonight serves as a reminder, a dream and a testimony of the faithfulness of God.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Strife, Envy, Self-Glorification
1 Cor 3
"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?
5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building. "
Carbenet Sauvignon, Bittersweet Chocolate. Some of the most opposite things were meant to go well together. This journey has not been the most smooth one despite all the "right" things that I'm trying to accomplish. Bittersweet: a word that comes close to describing this place. This place that I speak of is one that I have been in since September 2006. I have been struggling....nay...fighting the status quo of what I want to see in a church. As I'm admitting this, I'm ashamed by it because I desire to see His bride succeed in following His call. I've discovered that I have been confined by the walls of the church, defining my relationship with God based on what she says about it or how I'm doing. My pride stirs up with defensiveness when I walk into her walls these days. But indeed, it's a good place to be as I know it's the time that God himself is at work in me.
"If the process of sanctification is continuing in your life, there will be no trace of that kind of spirit (Carnality) remaining.
If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He doesn’t ask you to make it right; He only asks you to accept the light of truth, and then He will make it right. A child of the light will confess sin instantly and stand completely open before God. But a child of the darkness will say, "Oh, I can explain that." When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.
What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone you will know it-it is the most real thing you can imagine. And God will see to it that you have a number of opportunities to prove to yourself the miracle of His grace. The proof is in a very practical test. You will find yourself saying, "If this had happened before, I would have had the spirit of resentment!" And you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside."---Oswald Chambers
"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?
5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building. "
Carbenet Sauvignon, Bittersweet Chocolate. Some of the most opposite things were meant to go well together. This journey has not been the most smooth one despite all the "right" things that I'm trying to accomplish. Bittersweet: a word that comes close to describing this place. This place that I speak of is one that I have been in since September 2006. I have been struggling....nay...fighting the status quo of what I want to see in a church. As I'm admitting this, I'm ashamed by it because I desire to see His bride succeed in following His call. I've discovered that I have been confined by the walls of the church, defining my relationship with God based on what she says about it or how I'm doing. My pride stirs up with defensiveness when I walk into her walls these days. But indeed, it's a good place to be as I know it's the time that God himself is at work in me.
"If the process of sanctification is continuing in your life, there will be no trace of that kind of spirit (Carnality) remaining.
If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He doesn’t ask you to make it right; He only asks you to accept the light of truth, and then He will make it right. A child of the light will confess sin instantly and stand completely open before God. But a child of the darkness will say, "Oh, I can explain that." When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.
What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone you will know it-it is the most real thing you can imagine. And God will see to it that you have a number of opportunities to prove to yourself the miracle of His grace. The proof is in a very practical test. You will find yourself saying, "If this had happened before, I would have had the spirit of resentment!" And you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside."---Oswald Chambers
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Abandonment
"God so loved the world that He gave. . ." John 3:16
A classic verse but commonly overlook especially for a self-gratified, spoiled, apparently "matured" person who was redeemed by the same verse 18 years ago. This time around it brought a whole new perspective.....a reminder of the core of Salvation and how often I take it for granted that being redeemed is about me. It's easy to use christianese within the walls of church as well as among believers, but the aim of the target is God in relationship with us.
I was challenged as I read "My utmost for His highest" by Oswald Chambers today.
" Salvation is not merely deliverance from sin, nor the experience of personal holiness; the salvation of God is deliverance out of self entirely into union with Himself. My experimental knowledge of salvation will be along the line of deliverance from sin and of personal holiness; but salvation means that the Spirit of God has brought me into touch with God's personality, and I am thrilled with something infinitely greater than myself, I am caught up into the abandonment of God.
Abandonment never produces the consciousness of its own effort, because the whole life is taken up with the One to Whom we abandon. Beware of talking about abandonment if you know nothing about it, and you will never know anything about it until you have realized that John 3:16 means that God gave Himself absolutely. In our abandonment we give ourselves over to God just as God gave Himself for us, without any calculation. The consequence of abandonment never enters into our outlook because our life is taken up with Him. "
How insignificant my prideful self is. Next to the abandonment of God to me, I can never match up to how much I can "sacrifice" for Him. I preach like I know what I'm talking about, how much I abandoned. I'm continuously humilified by my carnal nature in responding to everyday life....
A classic verse but commonly overlook especially for a self-gratified, spoiled, apparently "matured" person who was redeemed by the same verse 18 years ago. This time around it brought a whole new perspective.....a reminder of the core of Salvation and how often I take it for granted that being redeemed is about me. It's easy to use christianese within the walls of church as well as among believers, but the aim of the target is God in relationship with us.
I was challenged as I read "My utmost for His highest" by Oswald Chambers today.
" Salvation is not merely deliverance from sin, nor the experience of personal holiness; the salvation of God is deliverance out of self entirely into union with Himself. My experimental knowledge of salvation will be along the line of deliverance from sin and of personal holiness; but salvation means that the Spirit of God has brought me into touch with God's personality, and I am thrilled with something infinitely greater than myself, I am caught up into the abandonment of God.
Abandonment never produces the consciousness of its own effort, because the whole life is taken up with the One to Whom we abandon. Beware of talking about abandonment if you know nothing about it, and you will never know anything about it until you have realized that John 3:16 means that God gave Himself absolutely. In our abandonment we give ourselves over to God just as God gave Himself for us, without any calculation. The consequence of abandonment never enters into our outlook because our life is taken up with Him. "
How insignificant my prideful self is. Next to the abandonment of God to me, I can never match up to how much I can "sacrifice" for Him. I preach like I know what I'm talking about, how much I abandoned. I'm continuously humilified by my carnal nature in responding to everyday life....
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Point Blank
It's 6pm.
I'm tired.
I'm still at work.
My desk is cluttered with paperwork.
I just came out of the 4th meeting for the day, back to back meetings since 7am.
I need to pee.
But I'd rather sit here and write a random thought of absolutely nothing.
I don't know why I titled this entry as "Point Blank" but perhaps I'm feeling a little drained and exhausted from the day. Meetings can be such a drag but yet it needs to happened. If only somebody would streamline the process. If only we can communicate with each other without having to talk. If only we can understand what the other person is thinking without even saying a word. Life would be wonderful. But that would be a sad sad world. However, it's one of those days when I feel that I have not been productive but perhaps i'm being hard on myself. It's good to know that I'm needed in a team but it's another thing to feel like hours are pissed away when more and more paperwork are stacked up on my desk. Perhaps I need to improve my work habit to accomplish more and be satisfied with my best....
Tomorrow will be another chance for me to try this all over again. For the mean time, I need to go relieve myself.
Although this entry is pretty blah, writing the most random thoughts is certainly therapeutic, yes?
I'm tired.
I'm still at work.
My desk is cluttered with paperwork.
I just came out of the 4th meeting for the day, back to back meetings since 7am.
I need to pee.
But I'd rather sit here and write a random thought of absolutely nothing.
I don't know why I titled this entry as "Point Blank" but perhaps I'm feeling a little drained and exhausted from the day. Meetings can be such a drag but yet it needs to happened. If only somebody would streamline the process. If only we can communicate with each other without having to talk. If only we can understand what the other person is thinking without even saying a word. Life would be wonderful. But that would be a sad sad world. However, it's one of those days when I feel that I have not been productive but perhaps i'm being hard on myself. It's good to know that I'm needed in a team but it's another thing to feel like hours are pissed away when more and more paperwork are stacked up on my desk. Perhaps I need to improve my work habit to accomplish more and be satisfied with my best....
Tomorrow will be another chance for me to try this all over again. For the mean time, I need to go relieve myself.
Although this entry is pretty blah, writing the most random thoughts is certainly therapeutic, yes?
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Plans vs. Reality
Life has been a drag recently.
I've discovered that what I used to plan, way back during the teen years, may not necessary work out as I like it to be. Things that I told myself that I will do or not do, have all erupted into chaos right in my face. I still can't figure out what I'm talking about. Perhaps by blogging I can organize my thoughts and begin to process this frustration.
Just when you think all is plan and prepared for, a curve ball is thrown at you and you realized not even your contingency plan could have dealt with it. I find myself to stress out a lot about financial issues. As much as I say I don't care about money but the green creatures somehow finds it's way to the top of my anxiety list. Granted I know what I need to react when it comes to this, trusting in the God who provides and all, but I find that knowledge in the brain does not mean knowledge in the heart. That short span of approximately 14 inches between the heart and the brain has proven to be a lot farther in similarity than I want it to be. I find myself pondering how to plan strategically so that I can be comfortable in the near future. But even that ends up being frustrating when you find out that there are other "bills" that I'm almost obligated to carry on my shoulder that I was not aware of. Amidst the frustration, I begin to question: Questions about the zero return from all the generousity. Questions about envying the jones. Questions about really relying on God as my provider. Questions about all the sacrifices that I went throught in college. Are the really paying off?
No doubt, I am not questioning if I made the right or wrong decision because I know this is where God has led me and even if I did take a wrong turn, the progress till this point has not been in vain.
Somehow in the midst of this battle of confusion, there's a faint hope. Faint might sound negative but in this context, it's as if I've found the only relief. This place is the same place where God brought me back time and time again. A place where I realized the unimaginable, unthinkable, unfathomable love of God that overwhelms me.
See The Way by Misty Edwards:
With just one word from Your mouth were the heavens made
With just one breath from Your lips, the foundations were laid
With just one dream in Your thoughts, You have wanted me
With just one pulse of Your heart, You are wooing me
See the way He holds the stars in His hand
See the way He holds my heart
God is a Lover looking for a lover, so He fashioned me
God is a Lover looking for a lover, so He formed my heart
With just one pulse of Your heart
I'm in love!
---------------------------
As for now, I can only rest on the knowledge that I do know and depend on the faith that loves...
I've discovered that what I used to plan, way back during the teen years, may not necessary work out as I like it to be. Things that I told myself that I will do or not do, have all erupted into chaos right in my face. I still can't figure out what I'm talking about. Perhaps by blogging I can organize my thoughts and begin to process this frustration.
Just when you think all is plan and prepared for, a curve ball is thrown at you and you realized not even your contingency plan could have dealt with it. I find myself to stress out a lot about financial issues. As much as I say I don't care about money but the green creatures somehow finds it's way to the top of my anxiety list. Granted I know what I need to react when it comes to this, trusting in the God who provides and all, but I find that knowledge in the brain does not mean knowledge in the heart. That short span of approximately 14 inches between the heart and the brain has proven to be a lot farther in similarity than I want it to be. I find myself pondering how to plan strategically so that I can be comfortable in the near future. But even that ends up being frustrating when you find out that there are other "bills" that I'm almost obligated to carry on my shoulder that I was not aware of. Amidst the frustration, I begin to question: Questions about the zero return from all the generousity. Questions about envying the jones. Questions about really relying on God as my provider. Questions about all the sacrifices that I went throught in college. Are the really paying off?
No doubt, I am not questioning if I made the right or wrong decision because I know this is where God has led me and even if I did take a wrong turn, the progress till this point has not been in vain.
Somehow in the midst of this battle of confusion, there's a faint hope. Faint might sound negative but in this context, it's as if I've found the only relief. This place is the same place where God brought me back time and time again. A place where I realized the unimaginable, unthinkable, unfathomable love of God that overwhelms me.
See The Way by Misty Edwards:
With just one word from Your mouth were the heavens made
With just one breath from Your lips, the foundations were laid
With just one dream in Your thoughts, You have wanted me
With just one pulse of Your heart, You are wooing me
See the way He holds the stars in His hand
See the way He holds my heart
God is a Lover looking for a lover, so He fashioned me
God is a Lover looking for a lover, so He formed my heart
With just one pulse of Your heart
I'm in love!
---------------------------
As for now, I can only rest on the knowledge that I do know and depend on the faith that loves...
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